I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
