I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
