I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
