I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
