Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
