at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
