So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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