I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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