You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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