Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
