I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
