I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
