I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
