new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
