he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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