highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
