but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
