I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
