Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
