You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
