3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
