He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
