Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
