Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
