It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
