9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
