You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
