bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
