i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
