i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
is that a dick in a sweater?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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