he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
