it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
