Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
