i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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