my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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