You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
