Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
