i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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