Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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