I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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