My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
