I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
