ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
