Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
