I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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