Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
