I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
