New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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