Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
