My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
