if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
