Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
